Nine animals that we should be trophy hunting instead of grizzly bears

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think of how to help stop the commercial trophy hunting of bears in BC. It’s a thorny problem. But I’m pretty smart, so I put this problem in my mind-vice and here’s my genius idea.

If trophy hunters are so attached to hunting grizzly bears for their heads and paws, we should make alternatives readily available. For example, if you’re quitting smoking, and you get an urge to light up, drink hot chocolate instead.

With this in mind, I’ve come up with a list of nine kinds of animals that we should trophy hunt instead of grizzly bears.

1. Domestic cats

Unlike grizzly bears, domestic cats are actually evil. Cats are essentially walking death machines, killing everything in their antisocial path. They kill a million billion birds a year in BC alone. And when was the last time you were scratched by a bear? When was the last time you woke up and found the soulless, hate-filled eyes of a bear staring at you? My cat thinks he’s Darth Vader and is constantly trying to force-choke me. So take cat heads as trophies instead, and you’ll be doing the world a favour!

2. Dogs

Okay, I know lots of people like dogs, so this is a tougher sell, but hear me out. There are so many dogs that the BC SPCA has to kill them all the time. And unlike grizzly bears, dogs aren’t encroached on by industry and land degradation. Grizzly territory has been steadily shrinking for hundreds of years, and dogs do perfectly fine in the city. Also, only about 75% of the population like dogs, which is less than bears. So take a dog trophy instead.

3. Cows

Cows make an excellent alternative because people actually eat them. When you hang your giant cow head in your man-cave, and someone asks you about it, you can actually brag about how good it tasted, instead of just mumbling “bears scary, redrum, redrum.”

4. Crows

Like cats, crows are evil. And, as far as I know, there’s no explicit First Nations ban on hunting crows (and I’m an expert white guy). But there is a Central Coast First Nation ban on hunting grizzly bears. The Nuxalk, Heiltsuk, Kitasoo/Xai’Xais and Wuikinuxv Nations have all banned trophy hunting.¹ So unless you’re really really white, and you actually don’t care at all about respecting the First Nations on whose lands we abide, consider taking crow heads as trophies instead.²

5. Rats

Grizzly bears are beautiful wondrous creatures. They inspire. They’re living legends. Grizzly bears are rare. Rats, on the other hand, are rats. So kill those fuckers and mount their heads on spikes like trophies so their buddies move away and we can finally be as cool, and rat-free, as our big brother, Alberta.

6. Snakes

When people look at your mounted grizzly bear trophy, most will wonder what kind of twisted monster you are. But. Snakes are gross. (Shut it, Bharat.) And everyone since, literally, the Old Testament knows that snakes are the devil. Devil bad!

7. Penguins

Since we know for a scientific fact that hunters are psychologically driven to acquire trophies because of Oedipus (and also to acquire social status), I say take penguins as trophies instead. After all, travelling to the Central Coast of BC to shoot bears might be a little expensive. But travelling to the Antarctic to kill penguins is mega expensive.

8. Predator aliens

Hunters refer to trophy hunting as sport hunting. Lol. “Sport” requires that the players know they’re actually playing. So to make trophy hunting an actual sport, hunt the predator, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now that’s a trophy! (Or you are.)

9. Zombies

Zombies are a scourge and they eat human brains for food. Grizzlies eat fish and berries. So if you want to save brains, do us a solid and take zombies, not bears.

In summary

So the next time you have the urge to violate Coastal First Nations protocols and shoot a bear and climb on top of it and take a photo, and then chop off its head and paws and pay a taxidermist to mount that head in your man-cave, consider one of these alternatives!

You’re welcome. I’m here to help.

If you suspect that my plan to stop the commercial grizzly bear hunt is flawed, consider donating instead. You can also eat chocolate, save bears, and enter to win an epic trip.³

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